Clarissa

"One day we’ll sit together and you will ask me about this time.

I’ll tell you that this was then, this was me, this was us. You were that small and I was that young.

I’ll tell you things about yourself that you didn’t already know, and I’ll be the first to admit that I was not perfect. But I was there for you. We were there for each other.

I’ll tell you that these were the best days. Of us doing everything some days and nothing other days. It all went too fast.

I may not think to tell you, but I’ll want to relive this.

I’ll want to go back to just us. To be more than an after thought. But I won’t be able to. So I will take you back there with me, with my photos, and my stories and my memories triggered by all of the little things I keep to remind me of this time.

We will relive it, together. One day. But for now, let me live it longer."

Dearests,
Thank you for being patient and unjudging witnesses to how my 2020 played through. Know for certain I am for your happiness, always. And if in 2020 you still didnt reach your dreams, I pray it did bring you closer to them.

In 2021, may you learn to embrace the betrayal, ride the waves and turn the other cheek. Grab the opportunity to practice what you have learned about life during the last twelve months.
I pray that all that you sought and didn’t find in 2020 is hidden in 2021, waiting for you to search it out with more determination.

Sending 2020 off with thanks. Welcome 2021 with eyes gleaming and an open heart ready to go on. Find the love that never gives up and recognizes that it will take forever to perfect it.

God has an amazing plan for you. Yes, it may not always be easy, but along with His plan for your life is a beautiful promise - that when you walk through fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you (Isaiah 43:2). No matter what happens, remember that the challenges of your life are not meant to destroy you, they are meant to magnify God’s miracles in your life.

Good health and love in 2021. To more wonders, more growing up, more maturing, more life surprises, more blessings, strength to endure what’s in store and more careful choices. 🥂 Per aspera ad astra.

Happy happy new year.

Cali xx

The plans of God are greater than
what you’ve been going through
So learn to endure and be patient
You may suffer right now
But God is just preparing you

Sometimes, we are tempted to give up
Simply because we focus on our situation
Look unto God and set your eyes in Him
Your mind can never comprehend the great blessings
that He prepared for you
So keep on walking in His presence
Learn to persevere even in times of hardships

Receive the promises of God in your life
Remember that He wants you to prosper
He will give you hope
So hold on unto His love
If you think that you can’t make it
Then remind yourself about the desires of God in your life

He wants you to experience
the fullness of His love
Choose to trust Him
Believe in His word
And follow His ways
Abide in His presence

The greatest reward we could ever receive
is when we experience Heaven with God
It’s the moment when there will be no more death
We no longer have to suffer or cry in pain
When God will make His home among His people
That’s the time when we can finally say
that every challenge we face is worth it

God will lead us to victory
One day, His people will come together to worship Him
That day will be full of gladness and rejoicing
So whatever it is that you are going through
Remember that the reward
is greater than the suffering you experienced

So keep your faith in the Lord
Focus on the goal
And that’s to hear these wonderful words from God,
“Well done, my good and faithful servant!”

[Not mine, cannot find original source]

Mama,
I can’t see past you right now, I’m so small and everything’s a little blurry.
All I see is you.
When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me.
You are my everything.
When you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re making it look easy to me. Even though we’re still getting to know each other, you know me better than anyone.
I trust you.
When you think some nights you’ll never sleep again, you will. We both will. But I’m scared right now. I promise I’m not manipulating you. I just need your smell and comfort. Do you feel that tug in your heart when we’re apart? I do too.
I miss you.
When you feel as if you’ve achieved nothing, please know, my cup has never been so full.
The days that get away on you will be some of my best memories of us playing together on the ground.
I love you.
When you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, when you turn away from the mirror. That face will be the one I look to when I achieve something, the one I search for in a crowd. The reason for my first smile.
You’re perfect to me.
When you feel like the weight of it all is heavy in your heart, please know I’ve never felt lighter. Can I lay here with you a little longer?
I won’t always need you like this.
But I need you right now.
When you feel as if you have nothing left to give, when I see your hands outstretched at me, pleading. When we’re both crying. I wish I could talk, but I can’t.
If I could I would tell you, there’s a reason I chose you.
I can’t see past you right now mama, because you are my world.
It will get bigger, soon enough.
But for now,
All I see is you.

Words: 📚 ‘All I See Is You’ poetry book, available now: www.jessicaurlichs.com/shop
https://www.instagram.com/jessurlichs_writer/

Dear mummy and daddy,
Please keep this letter from me in a place where you can read it and re-read it when things are rough and you are feeling down. Please don’t expect too much from me as a new born baby, or too much from yourselves as parents. Give us both six weeks as a birthday present, six weeks for me to grow, develop, mature, and become more stable and predictable – six weeks for you to rest and relax and allow your body to get back to normal.
• Please feed me when I am hungry, I never knew hunger in your womb and clocks and time mean little to me.
• Please hold, cuddle, kiss, touch, stroke, and croon to me. I was always held closely in your womb and have never been alone before.
• Please forgive me if I cry a lot. I am not a tyrant who was sent to make your life miserable, the only way I can tell you I am not happy is with my cry, bear with me and in a short time, as I mature, I will spend less time crying and more time socializing.
• Please take the time to find out who I am, how I differ from you and how much I can bring to you. Watch me carefully and I’ll tell you things which sooth, console and please me.
• Please remember that I am resilient and can withstand the many natural mistakes you’ll make with me. As long as you make them with love, I cannot be harmed.
• Please don’t be disappointed when I am not the perfect baby you expected nor be disappointed with yourselves when you are not the perfect parents.
• Please take care of yourself; eat a balanced diet, rest, and exercise so that when we are together, you have the patience and energy to take care of me. The cure for a fussy baby is more rest for Mum.
• Please take care of your relationship with each other. What good is family bonding if there is no family left for me to bond with.
• Keep the “big picture” in mind. I’ll be like this for a very short time, though it seems like forever to you now. Although I may have turned your life upside down, please remind yourselves that things will be back to normal before long.

I’ll never be this little again. I love you ♥️

[Not mine, cannot find original source]

Dear mama,

Could you wake up for a minute? I know it’s hard for you to open your eyes - we haven’t slept a lot yet tonight. But mama, I kinda need you right now. You see, the thing is, I feel a bit lonely at the moment. I’m laying here in my crib and I’m somewhat cold.

I didn’t mean to cry so I’m sorry I did. I’ve been trying to get your attention by making some noises for a while now but you were in such a deep sleep, you couldn’t hear me. I don’t know how else to get your attention. During the day, I see and hear you all make noises and I see you respond well to each other. You talk to me like that too. And I try very hard but I don’t know how to do that yet. So I cry so you’d listen to me.

Mama, I’m sorry for crying. Like I said, I feel a bit lonely. I just spent nine months inside your belly where I’ve always felt safe. It’s a bit scary to me to be in such a big bed all by myself. I miss your heartbeat, the rushing of your blood, the warmth and the food.I miss your breathing and your hands you put over me to protect me when I still was inside your belly.

So mama, would you please listen to me? I’m calling for you in the only way I’m able to. I feel really alone. I need your warmth and your peace for a moment. I need to know for sure you’re still here. So can I come lay with you for a little while to feel your warmth?

Some cuddles first. Mama, this feels so nice. When I feel you holding me while you gently rock me and when I can smell and feel you, I feel so safe. I can feel your hand on my back and my ear is placed just right on your heart. Mom, this is home to me. Do you remember back when we were always together? I always felt like this back then. Sometimes I miss that time. It was so nice to be close to you.

I hear you softly whisper into my ear “Everything is okay little one, everything is fine”. Your voice is so soft and familiar. You smell good mom. A bit like me and a bit like you.

Mama, will you hold me just a little longer? I’m really tired and I feel so relaxed in your arms. It almost feels like before. I’m going to close my eyes for a little while, okay? Can I please stay with you here a little longer to enjoy your love and your presence?

And can I drink some more? Mama, since we’re laying like this anyway…I’d like to ask you something. I know, it sounds pretty sad because I can’t talk like you can yet so I’m sorry for crying again. But mama, can I please drink some more? My throat is dry and my tummy is empty and since we’re here anyway…maybe I can have a few more sips? Your milk tastes delicious and is so warm and familiar.

Thanks mom, that’s exactly what I needed. I was really really thirsty. Your finger on my cheek feels great by the way. And you’re smiling at me. Nothing makes me happier than seeing your smile and feeling your presence. I’ll close my eyes again, okay? Please don’t put me away straight away, I really enjoy falling asleep here. This feels really good. Can I stay with you for another hour or so?

My tummy hurts. What is that?! Mama! Can you feel this? Mom? My tummy hurts so bad. What is happening? Please help me mama, I don’t know what’s happening. I’ve never felt anything like this.

Thank you for rubbing my belly mom. It’s late and everyone is asleep. I’m so happy you’re here for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you mama. My tummy already hurts less and when you hold me like that…I feel pretty tired. Maybe I’ll close my eyes again. Please hold me a little longer?

Can I have more cuddles? You won’t believe this mama! I’m a bit scared. I just woke up and I didn’t know where I was for a second. It was all dark and a little cold again. I know you’re tired mama. But I really missed you, can I please be with you again for a while?

Mama, I can see that you’re tired. There are tears in your eyes and every now and then a tear rolls down your cheek. I’m sorry mama but I feel really strange in this new world. I miss home. I miss always being close to you.

Sometimes I feel a tear fall on my head while you gently rock me. You’re singing me a song so that I can go back to sleep. You softly dry the tears that fell on my head with your hand. That feels nice mom, do that again?

I fall asleep on your chest. You feel so soft, so familiar. There’s nowhere I sleep better than here. My legs are pulled up, just like they were back when I still lived with you. I can hear your heartbeat again and I move along with your breathing.

I will learn soon. Mama, you’re the best place to be. I’m so glad I get to come to you over and over again. I don’t like being unable to just ask either but I’m really happy you listen to me when I call for you.

Soon, I’ll be able to be there for you. Or for my brothers or sisters. Or for my friends in school. You’re teaching me how to take care of someone. You’re teaching me that you listen, even when I can’t ask. You’re teaching me I’m safe, even when sometimes it feels like I’m not. You’re teaching me that you love me, even when you’re very tired. Thank you.

And mama, I love you. 😍


[Not mine, cant find original source]

Dear anak,

I want to let you know what’s on my mind my handsome boy. So I’ll just write and get it over with.

Nine months I wish I had someone to rub my back and kiss my tummy. I wanted nothing else but the concept of family be alive in us, and I am not sure what I have done for us to not deserve that. One thing I was sure of was, I loved you. From this day, I know I have to protect you from the world.

You are too young to notice this, but papa isn’t around. Believe me, my son; this has nothing to do with you. That he made his mind not to grow with you, I cannot explain. I know he will always love you in his own special way. It kills me to know that you may spend the rest of your life questioning his decision and doubting my answer but oh son; this was not your fault. He did not leave because you weren’t amazing.

The concept of a father may be a fuzzy one for you. You may never know the warmth of a hug from a real father or experience the strong voice of direction from one. For you, hearing other children recount the joy of having a dad may worsen the painful void within you. You are not alone my Super Hero. Imagine that little girl going through the same pain. Think of the challenges society brings to single moms raising ‘fatherless’ sons.

In your own way, I know you are special. So no, I don’t mind teaching you how to be a man. I will teach you how to tie a tie. I will show you the right way to tie your shoelace when the time comes. I will never miss any doctor’s appointment regardless of your age. And when you are old enough, we will talk about girls to make sure you find the right one. I will teach you how to value your woman and keep her as a treasure. Even though my dream of walking down the aisle with my father is shattered, I will watch your queen walk down the aisle as you wait on the altar.

There are days we’ll have it all, other days will be tough, and you may even go to bed without food. But I believe in Deuteronomy 8: 16. These will just be trying times, and we will fight. It’s easy to take the wrong path and slide into drugs and violence. This world is not as kind to everyone my son. It may be tempting to rebel against the world and be unkind to those who have been cold and unloving towards you. Please know that not everyone takes this path. Some children were even in worse situations, but they have broken free from the chains of failure. It’s all about the choice you make.

No situation is permanent my boy unless you want it to be. God knows your talent, and He understands your potential otherwise you wouldn’t have been born. You have a role, and I know God will help me see you through.

There is a hidden gem inside you, and I will help you find it. Learn to embrace God because He is the only true father you have my boy – He says it in Psalms 68:5. When He calls, I hope you will respond. You can win in this world even when no one expects much from you. You are still young, but I can see the potential in you. After all, I am your mother, and it is my motherly instinct talking right now.

Sorry, there are a lot of things that I cannot fix. I cannot bring your father back, and I don’t have all the answers. When I look into your eyes though, I see the same angel I held in my arms the first day the doctors gave you to me. I love you more each day, and this love is intense and pure. No, I will never leave you. So stick with me, and I know we will beat all odds.

Mama will tuck you in bed at night, and Mama will wake up with you every morning. All those who love you surround you with great joy, and I know they also see your worth. Papa may not be here to see it, but we all see it. The Lord spoke in Isaiah 13:12. He will make the man in you more precious than gold. Jesus repeats it too in Matthew 10:31. Oh! You are loved, son! Nothing should put you down. Don’t ever forget my words.

Forever,
Mama ❤

[Not mine, cant find original source]

You see, it’s still a laugh whenever my dad tells people his birthday falls on All Saints’ day. I guess it still sounds that bizarre. Of all 365 days out of the calendar. Haha! But you kno what? I wouldnt have it another way. This is when his life started, regardless, it’s where mine did too. I am very blessed to have been placed in his family. So happy birthday to the only man who can call me by my first name, my Jonathan Kent (if not my superman), and my beloved daddy! Love you to the moon and back, dad! Thank God for your life!

To ze first man who loved me. To whom I will always be a baby girl and a princess. Thank you for talks about cars, history, aliens, teleseryes, etc. Thank you for always being there to watch my performances. Thank you for working real hard for me to graduate from one of the top universities. Thank you for cooking pancit canton when Im hungry. Thank you for choosing time with me than an extravagant life. Your time spent with me is far more important than anybody else’s. Thank you for being mi daddy. Yudabest! Happy Father’s Day! I love you! #fathersday #family #love #fatheranddaughter #igersmanila #igphilippines #pinay #filipina

So my short hiatus has already taught and reminded me a lotta things. One, I would share with you: Forgiveness is a huge thing. It has its own thingamajigs going on. It’s a whole new dimension and gives love that worth of second, third, or however many looks. The lack of it has killed a lotta people, started gangs, sparked wars and caused dark lives. Forgiveness should hella be propagated. It should be taught to come hand in hand with love. It just seems so underrated..

Today, my mom and dad brought me to work just because they wanted to. ♥ This is one of the things I am most thankful for - the love of my parents.

Saw a picture today and reminded me of a whole cluster of things I have long put on the shelf to be buried in dust..

It’s been years! Years. And I could still go back to that mark I like referring to as a turning point. Years, and I could go back and back thinking I had no clue where it was going.

I want to go back. I want so badly to go back.

Not because I miss it. Not because of the feelings. Not because there were some things I didnt - some, I just forgot - say. Not because there were things unclear.

I want to go back. All because I want to tell myself I was going wrong way. Because for once I want to listen to my instinct. Because there it lies - just one terrible decision that led up to a cobweb of unfortunate events.

I never thought I regretted anything up until the moment I saw that one photograph.. Up until today, where I have realized that I could live a better life than what I chose..

Then again, I believe it did bring experiences I couldn’t have had better. There isnt just a more consoling thing to hold on to. Something to help me get by.

Til Im reminded of things from that shelf again.

Recently, all my devotion entries speak of amazing grace. And I’ve been hearing that song a lot lately. But I’ve come to a realization, most probably with divine intervention I’d like to believe. You kno what’s so amazing about grace? It’s when you kno you dont deserve it… But you keep receiving it anyway. :) Welcome the weekend with thanksgiving! ♥


Thank you for the cross Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace

I didn’t think about you once today, for the first time since I met you. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was simply that it was too cold to get out of bed; I did not wish that you were there beside me. I went to the closet and got dressed without thinking about whether or not you liked the shirt I was putting on, didn’t think about whether you’d already seen me in the sweater I layered over it. I skipped breakfast, as I always do, and I didn’t hear your voice chastising me in the back of my head, “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” I just glanced at the clock, grabbed my keys, and shut the door firmly behind me.

Just sharing what I got for my devotion this morning:

“It’s difficult to completely open yourself up after being hurt because you’re afraid you’ll be hurt again. Nobody can promise that loving someone won’t hurt. In fact, you can’t love without being willing to be hurt. It’s not possible.

You can’t have real love unless you’re willing to forgive. Love keeps giving the other person another chance. Love keeps trusting them over and over again, expecting them to do the right thing the next time. I realize there are big hurts and also little things we deal with daily. Sometimes we may not even know what is agitating us, but we need to decide to let go of its irritating hold on us.”

Blessings! :)

I`ve known this song since I was that quiet little girl in Sunday school. We sang this almost every Sunday, becoming one of the first few songs I knew every word to.

But just last Sunday when I attended the afternoon service with my mom, I heard the Worship Team sing this song and good Lord! It hasn`t struck me as hard it did the last time I heard it. Every word quietly whispered to me in capital letters. Every note sang a melody only my heart was able to comprehend. It was as if the song was written for that mighty purpose.. And as if everything that has happened in my life came down to that very moment - my total surrender. For moments in that crowded sanctuary, it was only me and God.

i’m not gonna put crying off another day. this is all too much for me to hold in. my mind is too cluttered with tabs of things i should keep up with and unorganized emotions i myself dont understand. time is working against me, for once i want to stop it or at least slow it down for me to catch up with everything that’s happening. sit it all down and avoid the unnecessary drama. if only i could. but i couldnt. so tonight, i’m going to let my weak self breakdown and just it scream it all out as if doing so would shake it off my system. at some degree, maybe it would. i dont care. frailty is taking over and i’m only human to let it in. somewhere in me is the belief that this phase is just some moonless night to a soft dawn cutting sweetly to a spotless morning. maybe it is.. it should be.

I still remember how I swore I was gonna make 2011 one of the best years of my entire living experience. It was exactly a year ago, with the rest of our clan, same place. I wrote it down in my hard-won Starbucks planner, with that Tanduay Ice logo bannering the page. Halfway through twenty-eleven, I wanted to tear that page out. But I didnt. It stood as a reminder everything was about to change in the year. True enough, it was one of the bests! :)

Today, my phone suddenly shut down and started up on a boot loop. I panicked and did all the recovery my intelligence can muster. I thought of all the pictures of Lukas I would never see again. Headed up to the nearest Samsung Service Center to see if they have more sophisticated software to help me keep my phone data despite the need for a wipe. All the waiting to have my fears confirmed - no other way but to lose all of it in a factory reset. 

Di ako pumayag, syempre! Went home and tried all the other ways to recover files. At this point my phone is hot from all its turning on and off. Gave it a rest and prayed a little prayer and sang "Rescue."

After the thousand times the phone has rebooted, it stayed on, and let me in after an unlock! I immediately transferred all Lukas' photos in a hurry - I dont think I blinked. Huhuhuhuhu that little miracle is a win for my mommy heart!

Phone still broken, bluetooth wont turn on, wifi wont turn on, airplane mode goes randomly on and off but I was able to secure my son's photos. ❤ WIN!!!

Lesson: What technology (and my own smarts cant), God can. 🙂

To celebrate, here's a photo I thought I would never see again -

Sad day, as my parents discovered my books were rotting out from where my dad hid them. Inanay po sila. 

😔 These were books from youth, even dating back to when I was in elementary school. Sacks of books. 😭😢💔 My selections range from Sweet Valley High (because who didnt know about the Wakefield twins?!), Stephanie, down to heavy Atlas Shrugged, Life Of Pi and Dan Browns. I lived in my head since. 

Couldnt even bear to get to the bottom of the pile to see which other ones I have to throw away! 💔😔😭 Nakakalungkot. I wanted to have owned so many titles I would need a ladder to slide through my library. Parang si Belle! For now, I will see you again books! 😔

Bookworm me is mourning. 😔 I have to save the remaining ones. 🔎🕵🏻‍♀️

I was published in ThoughtCatalog in 2015, but this post has now been archived (2023). 

Original Facebook Post - WOAH! It is my great joy to be noticed by one of the largest collective for literary contributions! DROPPED EVERYTHING WHEN I FOUND OUT Thought Catalog READ AND CHOSE TO PUBLISH THIS*. WOOOOOW. Thank you, Thought Catalog! ♥ So so much! ♥

*Originally titled, "To the Guys Who Wouldn't Leave Me In Peace."

hi, love. i am happy you are finally getting to read this. let it be known that i have been writing possibly since before we have even laid eyes on each other. this is my letter to you, my loving partner - who i expect to see me through, whose hand i will hold through the toughest of times, whose last name i will happily choose to affix to mine. 

goodness gracious! stumbled upon this post while i was browsing multiply memories! click me! damn how much i miss my alma mater!

i don`t really care how many basketball games we lose.. how sunken it is when the slightest of all rains come.. how much other universities don`t want us to win the uaap cheerdance competition.. how religious students here can get.. or even how bright our yellow paraphernalia are.

the ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your cellphone the next morning and be disappointed. the ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it days later like nothing ever happened. those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. the ones who listened to him say, “i only want to be your friend”, one day, then listened to him say that he loves and misses you, and the next when he doesn’t want to be anything at all. here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

i’ve been wanting to tell a story about a friendship i really treasure. it’s a story with no particular ending yet, so, i could not conclude what the outcome will be at this time. hopefully, it wont end in any way. at one time, i thought it already did.

she was one of the first friends i gained during the scary transition to college. for those excruciating 3 hours, her voice was the only one i could here distinct from the others. it somehow annoyed me but, at least i’ve still got someone to listen to. haha. after the confirmation, we had to choose a pe sched, and blast! there she was, so i talked to her and asked her what pe she’d take. haha. swimming. first year. that’s how we got closer.

due to… uhm. what would you call that? differences? diversity? haha. anyway, we went separate ways. kadiri. so emo. for that span we weren’t exactly what you call ‘friends’, we met other people. and those 'other people’ weren’t still the ones we could stay with. not the ones we thought we’d forever be friends with.

hung up on the same situation, we crossed paths again. kadiri talaga amp. haha. and guess what brought us closer. no, it aint the 7am sked. haha. somehow, it did! (diba, girl?) ipo brought us closer. ;) haha.

it was that one day, that we knew was coming. the day we 'decided to be friends forever’. some time in november 09.

so. y'kno how it goes with friendship. funny times, tambay rito, punta don. talk and talk. it was just then that we realized we have a lot in common. no, not just a lot. almost everything. haha. :)) we dont just finish each other’s sentences off, we know what we are thinking, even without speaking. we gots mental telepathy, yuh! :)) we almost always tell the other what the other already is going to say. that, is so creepy, we already thought of consulting… a dark magician. :)) kidding. we love stayin in one place. just thinkin. not really speaking with each other. we love eating. and drinking. haha. we share the same insights. always. gawd. kaya ang hirap din gumawa ng thesis eh! :))

she’s really somebody i could talk to with just about anything. anything. even the weirdest, most bizarre things in the universe. and we wont think it weird. 'cause we think alike. haha. she’s somebody i could completely be honest with. completely honest. y'kno the thing they said about friends.. the one saying.. if she’s a true friend, she’d.. what was that again? ugh. she’d be brave enough to hurt you because it’s for your own good. something like that. we are like that to each other. haha. we tell it to each other’s pug and oblong faces that, “you are panget!”, “ang taba mo!”, “di bagay sayo, ang panget mo kase. ang liit mo kase. ang taba mo kase.” haha. ang saya lang e. amp.

i stay with her, not only because of these things. i admit, there really are times i’m pissed off with her. and she with me. :)) i stay with her not only because there are no other people to really be that close with. i stay with her not only because we still have thesis to do together. i stay with her, not only because she’s an ex’s relative. duh. i stay with her, not only because we still have a lot of plans together. i stay with her, not only because we have the same circle of friends and that our world now is that small. i stay with her because of the simple reason that i know, i love her and that this friendship really is worth keeping and worth nourishing. :)

naniniwala ako sa udlot eh. shet. we will defy that. we will.

here we go again. i survived the time from the moment i woke up til now. why’d this feeling have to go back? darn, i thought i was all fine. now, i keep remembering him, his face keeps popping in my head. </3

i want to reach for my phone. i want to text him. or just message him thru fb. i want to hear from him. i just want to hear from him. it doesnt really matter if he’s doing fine without me…

does it really not? would that not hurt? to hear he’s doing very much fine? without me? would that really help with moving on?

how many times have i clicked on his name, might it be fb, ym or my phone, to attempt to message him.. to call him. to hear his voice again. uncountable times. but no. i never did. because i know, he’s fine. and he doesn’t care.

it’s just another night… just another sleep… with him in mind. if only, i could cry enough to make him hear it.. to make him feel the hurt. if only. i would. i’ve been.

i miss him pero… please. :( ayoko na.. ayoko na talaga. :( lord. take these feelings away if they’re not from you. :(

    Back staring blankly into the pure white space and blinking caret, and just pouring it all out rightly. While that didn't feel foreign at all, because technology has since evolved around social media and the internet in general, being out and exposed again surely does. Yes! That's exactly how this feels - Being out in the open again, braving the internet. Here goes my first post - ANYTHING GOES! :) 

    One of my goals is to unearth previous blog posts from long lost blogging accounts. (The last one I am aware of was 2 tumblr accounts, and a hidden Blogspot account - so hidden I cant remember the username and email I used.) The earliest my blogs allowed me to go back to, so far, has been 2011! It pains me to recall that I have been writing so much earlier than that but only are able to reach as far as then. I rest in the security of my Tumblr blogs where I hid for years.  

    To write again is to retrace my steps, where I lost a security of who I was. In the confines of paper and blogging, my younger self has cried, laughed, got kilig-ed, learned and confided with no holds barred. It was only then I felt safe. 

    To write is to silence the conversations in my head - the arguments i have with myself, the voice that wont keep quiet. To write is to stay sane. Writing is processing.

    To write is to memorialize - Things I would like to remember, of memories I would rather forget. Simply put, in here, my voice is preserved. 

    To write is to speak up, to release, to share my perspective. To write is to also listen to myself - a luxury denied to many. In here, I am heard. In here, judgment is withheld, most importantly, by myself.

    In this journey, I hope to once again meet the self that I lost, embrace the self I want to keep, shape the self I want to change, and achieve the best version of my self.

    While it is known that support is scarce from people I know, I ask the universe the grace to be. To just be. Most people do not seek to always be right - only to be heard and understood. A tall ask. But for that, I will be eternally grateful. 

xx Cali