Clarissa

i’m not gonna put crying off another day. this is all too much for me to hold in. my mind is too cluttered with tabs of things i should keep up with and unorganized emotions i myself dont understand. time is working against me, for once i want to stop it or at least slow it down for me to catch up with everything that’s happening. sit it all down and avoid the unnecessary drama. if only i could. but i couldnt. so tonight, i’m going to let my weak self breakdown and just it scream it all out as if doing so would shake it off my system. at some degree, maybe it would. i dont care. frailty is taking over and i’m only human to let it in. somewhere in me is the belief that this phase is just some moonless night to a soft dawn cutting sweetly to a spotless morning. maybe it is.. it should be.

I still remember how I swore I was gonna make 2011 one of the best years of my entire living experience. It was exactly a year ago, with the rest of our clan, same place. I wrote it down in my hard-won Starbucks planner, with that Tanduay Ice logo bannering the page. Halfway through twenty-eleven, I wanted to tear that page out. But I didnt. It stood as a reminder everything was about to change in the year. True enough, it was one of the bests! :)

Today, my phone suddenly shut down and started up on a boot loop. I panicked and did all the recovery my intelligence can muster. I thought of all the pictures of Lukas I would never see again. Headed up to the nearest Samsung Service Center to see if they have more sophisticated software to help me keep my phone data despite the need for a wipe. All the waiting to have my fears confirmed - no other way but to lose all of it in a factory reset. 

Di ako pumayag, syempre! Went home and tried all the other ways to recover files. At this point my phone is hot from all its turning on and off. Gave it a rest and prayed a little prayer and sang "Rescue."

After the thousand times the phone has rebooted, it stayed on, and let me in after an unlock! I immediately transferred all Lukas' photos in a hurry - I dont think I blinked. Huhuhuhuhu that little miracle is a win for my mommy heart!

Phone still broken, bluetooth wont turn on, wifi wont turn on, airplane mode goes randomly on and off but I was able to secure my son's photos. ❤ WIN!!!

Lesson: What technology (and my own smarts cant), God can. 🙂

To celebrate, here's a photo I thought I would never see again -

Sad day, as my parents discovered my books were rotting out from where my dad hid them. Inanay po sila. 

😔 These were books from youth, even dating back to when I was in elementary school. Sacks of books. 😭😢💔 My selections range from Sweet Valley High (because who didnt know about the Wakefield twins?!), Stephanie, down to heavy Atlas Shrugged, Life Of Pi and Dan Browns. I lived in my head since. 

Couldnt even bear to get to the bottom of the pile to see which other ones I have to throw away! 💔😔😭 Nakakalungkot. I wanted to have owned so many titles I would need a ladder to slide through my library. Parang si Belle! For now, I will see you again books! 😔

Bookworm me is mourning. 😔 I have to save the remaining ones. 🔎🕵🏻‍♀️

I was published in ThoughtCatalog in 2015, but this post has now been archived (2023). 

Original Facebook Post - WOAH! It is my great joy to be noticed by one of the largest collective for literary contributions! DROPPED EVERYTHING WHEN I FOUND OUT Thought Catalog READ AND CHOSE TO PUBLISH THIS*. WOOOOOW. Thank you, Thought Catalog! ♥ So so much! ♥

*Originally titled, "To the Guys Who Wouldn't Leave Me In Peace."

hi, love. i am happy you are finally getting to read this. let it be known that i have been writing possibly since before we have even laid eyes on each other. this is my letter to you, my loving partner - who i expect to see me through, whose hand i will hold through the toughest of times, whose last name i will happily choose to affix to mine. 

goodness gracious! stumbled upon this post while i was browsing multiply memories! click me! damn how much i miss my alma mater!

i don`t really care how many basketball games we lose.. how sunken it is when the slightest of all rains come.. how much other universities don`t want us to win the uaap cheerdance competition.. how religious students here can get.. or even how bright our yellow paraphernalia are.

the ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your cellphone the next morning and be disappointed. the ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it days later like nothing ever happened. those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. the ones who listened to him say, “i only want to be your friend”, one day, then listened to him say that he loves and misses you, and the next when he doesn’t want to be anything at all. here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

i’ve been wanting to tell a story about a friendship i really treasure. it’s a story with no particular ending yet, so, i could not conclude what the outcome will be at this time. hopefully, it wont end in any way. at one time, i thought it already did.

she was one of the first friends i gained during the scary transition to college. for those excruciating 3 hours, her voice was the only one i could here distinct from the others. it somehow annoyed me but, at least i’ve still got someone to listen to. haha. after the confirmation, we had to choose a pe sched, and blast! there she was, so i talked to her and asked her what pe she’d take. haha. swimming. first year. that’s how we got closer.

due to… uhm. what would you call that? differences? diversity? haha. anyway, we went separate ways. kadiri. so emo. for that span we weren’t exactly what you call ‘friends’, we met other people. and those 'other people’ weren’t still the ones we could stay with. not the ones we thought we’d forever be friends with.

hung up on the same situation, we crossed paths again. kadiri talaga amp. haha. and guess what brought us closer. no, it aint the 7am sked. haha. somehow, it did! (diba, girl?) ipo brought us closer. ;) haha.

it was that one day, that we knew was coming. the day we 'decided to be friends forever’. some time in november 09.

so. y'kno how it goes with friendship. funny times, tambay rito, punta don. talk and talk. it was just then that we realized we have a lot in common. no, not just a lot. almost everything. haha. :)) we dont just finish each other’s sentences off, we know what we are thinking, even without speaking. we gots mental telepathy, yuh! :)) we almost always tell the other what the other already is going to say. that, is so creepy, we already thought of consulting… a dark magician. :)) kidding. we love stayin in one place. just thinkin. not really speaking with each other. we love eating. and drinking. haha. we share the same insights. always. gawd. kaya ang hirap din gumawa ng thesis eh! :))

she’s really somebody i could talk to with just about anything. anything. even the weirdest, most bizarre things in the universe. and we wont think it weird. 'cause we think alike. haha. she’s somebody i could completely be honest with. completely honest. y'kno the thing they said about friends.. the one saying.. if she’s a true friend, she’d.. what was that again? ugh. she’d be brave enough to hurt you because it’s for your own good. something like that. we are like that to each other. haha. we tell it to each other’s pug and oblong faces that, “you are panget!”, “ang taba mo!”, “di bagay sayo, ang panget mo kase. ang liit mo kase. ang taba mo kase.” haha. ang saya lang e. amp.

i stay with her, not only because of these things. i admit, there really are times i’m pissed off with her. and she with me. :)) i stay with her not only because there are no other people to really be that close with. i stay with her not only because we still have thesis to do together. i stay with her, not only because she’s an ex’s relative. duh. i stay with her, not only because we still have a lot of plans together. i stay with her, not only because we have the same circle of friends and that our world now is that small. i stay with her because of the simple reason that i know, i love her and that this friendship really is worth keeping and worth nourishing. :)

naniniwala ako sa udlot eh. shet. we will defy that. we will.

here we go again. i survived the time from the moment i woke up til now. why’d this feeling have to go back? darn, i thought i was all fine. now, i keep remembering him, his face keeps popping in my head. </3

i want to reach for my phone. i want to text him. or just message him thru fb. i want to hear from him. i just want to hear from him. it doesnt really matter if he’s doing fine without me…

does it really not? would that not hurt? to hear he’s doing very much fine? without me? would that really help with moving on?

how many times have i clicked on his name, might it be fb, ym or my phone, to attempt to message him.. to call him. to hear his voice again. uncountable times. but no. i never did. because i know, he’s fine. and he doesn’t care.

it’s just another night… just another sleep… with him in mind. if only, i could cry enough to make him hear it.. to make him feel the hurt. if only. i would. i’ve been.

i miss him pero… please. :( ayoko na.. ayoko na talaga. :( lord. take these feelings away if they’re not from you. :(

    Back staring blankly into the pure white space and blinking caret, and just pouring it all out rightly. While that didn't feel foreign at all, because technology has since evolved around social media and the internet in general, being out and exposed again surely does. Yes! That's exactly how this feels - Being out in the open again, braving the internet. Here goes my first post - ANYTHING GOES! :) 

    One of my goals is to unearth previous blog posts from long lost blogging accounts. (The last one I am aware of was 2 tumblr accounts, and a hidden Blogspot account - so hidden I cant remember the username and email I used.) The earliest my blogs allowed me to go back to, so far, has been 2011! It pains me to recall that I have been writing so much earlier than that but only are able to reach as far as then. I rest in the security of my Tumblr blogs where I hid for years.  

    To write again is to retrace my steps, where I lost a security of who I was. In the confines of paper and blogging, my younger self has cried, laughed, got kilig-ed, learned and confided with no holds barred. It was only then I felt safe. 

    To write is to silence the conversations in my head - the arguments i have with myself, the voice that wont keep quiet. To write is to stay sane. Writing is processing.

    To write is to memorialize - Things I would like to remember, of memories I would rather forget. Simply put, in here, my voice is preserved. 

    To write is to speak up, to release, to share my perspective. To write is to also listen to myself - a luxury denied to many. In here, I am heard. In here, judgment is withheld, most importantly, by myself.

    In this journey, I hope to once again meet the self that I lost, embrace the self I want to keep, shape the self I want to change, and achieve the best version of my self.

    While it is known that support is scarce from people I know, I ask the universe the grace to be. To just be. Most people do not seek to always be right - only to be heard and understood. A tall ask. But for that, I will be eternally grateful. 

xx Cali