Clarissa

hi, love. i am happy you are finally getting to read this. let it be known that i have been writing possibly since before we have even laid eyes on each other. this is my letter to you, my loving partner - who i expect to see me through, whose hand i will hold through the toughest of times, whose last name i will happily choose to affix to mine. they keep talking about you. they keep saying you’ll come and i hate that you always aren’t. that you allow the others to masquerade as you. they keep saying you’re there, waiting on me too. they keep making me hope that someday, i will meet you and that when that time comes, things would fall into places. i hate that every other time i thought i found you, i would disappoint myself and lose a part of me that was for you. on the other hand, i am thankful. i am one mistake closer to you.

i’m glad you’ll have the guts and courage to say hi. we could not possibly get far if it wouldn’t be for that - unless i needed help with the coffee machine or my flat tire, otherwise i would be the one to say it first. i’m happy you wouldn’t be everything i expect you to be, because otherwise, in the long run, you’ll bore me. i’m thankful you’re everything he has sketched me to be with. every other flaw, every other imperfection, i would lovingly embrace. i’m glad you’ll have the endurance to stick with me and resist the temptations that would always hang around us.

i cant promise you a problem-free, smooth-sailing relationship or marriage. that’s silly. even fairy tales have villains. even movies follow the climax-conflict kind of plot.

and here’s what to expect. i wouldn’t always be pretty. i chose to grow old with you. i didn’t say i would forever be young and vivacious and full of life. i will gray with you. you would notice this and would want to be with somebody prettier, sexier and all the “-er’s” you could ever think of. i wouldn’t always look beautiful in your eyes. because in more than a few ways, we would fight. we would argue. we would hate each other.i will annoy you. you will be annoyed by the way i put the butter on your toast. you will be annoyed with me not getting how you want your sinigang. you will be annoyed by how i sing in the shower. by how i cant get up early on weekends. by how i walk when my feet hurts. by how i post every single photo we have on every social networking site. by how i play xbox and beat you at every game. by how i would always have questions.. by how i will always check on you.. by how i ask if you’ve liked the food i prepared. by how im angry when you’re late.. by how i talk. how i walk. write. and think. i will annoy the shit out of you. unconsciously or not.

you will annoy me. by how you raise your feet on the center table when we watch tv.. how you are most of the time late.. how you will never learn to turn the lights off when you go.. by how you drive. by how you choose to drink your glass of water with the fridge door open. by choosing drinks with friends than dinner with me. by always forgetting to get milk and eggs. by snoring. by taking most of the blanket. by talking. by not speaking. by going. by staying. by doing everything. by doing nothing. and sometimes, by breathing!

and you will hurt me, i will hurt you. most of the time, the one would apologize for the mistake of the other. and sometimes, this is okay. we are human, and we are constantly under construction even when we think we already know all that is to be known in our individual lives. we cant always expect each other to be the bigger person. to always choose understanding. we will both wrong each other in ways more than one. we would forget our vows.

you wouldn’t eat the food i made for you. we will sleep mad at each other. you will yell at me and things could possibly get ugly. we wouldn’t talk for days. we would want out. we would want to let go. countless times. i would be the difficult person that i am. you wouldn’t always want to stick it out. you would choose to leave me. you would want to leave me for somebody else, you would want to hurt me with the pain infidelity would bring. and i will always choose to wait on you to bust in the door one day.

forgive me. i am sorry. for the times i would try to let go of your hand. for hurting you with my weakness. i am truly sorry for the times i thought you were them. for the belief he destined them to be you. i have long waited for you and broke my heart too many times believing you have already come. i am sorry. for not being patient enough to hold back what i have given the others. forgive me, for sharing what i have ought to give you - the things that are rightfully yours - to them.

know for certain i will prepare myself for you and will be very patient. in my deepest core, i believe he allowed all my past relationships to fail (painful or not), for ours to succeed. best believe i have packed in my suitcase every lesson i have learned from those and my suitcase will be unloaded in our very home.

and i forgive you. for taking the time that ought to be with me and for me with somebody else. i forgive you.. for giving chunks of your heart to girls who did not deserve it more than i do. for taking so long.. for not finding me a bit earlier. for not hearing my call when i already needed saving.

i promise you the happiness of being in love with a loving and dedicated wife. i will establish my vow, from this point on and know in my heart that it is more than a contract - that it is my covenant. i will give you the peace of my faithfulness and loyalty. agree with me to always put god in our midst and love each other the way he intended us to. i would give you my heart always ready to ask for forgiveness as well as to forgive.. i will provide you the comfort of knowing i am your partner and i will hold your hand firmly at your weakest. i vow to be with you til the time the lord calls me back home.

“i vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.”

most importantly, i will love you. every bit of me, i will give to you. every little part, broken and whole, will be yours. every part left. every minute of my life. i would work that love into practical things so nothing can divide us. my heart will be yours and you will have my trust. i will respect your decisions and opinions. i will love the people you love, i will care for them like you do. i would submit to you as he designed me to. i would serve you, every nerve in me would move for you. my strength will be yours - that even when you drain, you have mine to use. i would cherish our every moment and hold close to my heart even the littlest of our memories. i would love you. the best way i know how.

i course this broken road alone and hope this would lead me to you and that yours would lead to mine. i could only pray you are somewhere out there looking for somebody to finally fill the emptiness you felt from all the wrong relationships too. i pray you open your eyes the moment we cross paths as i do mine. i pray you are looking to find the one who you can give your heart wholly to. northern stars would lead us. hold on to me as we try to find our way to each other.

until then, i prepare. i am very excited to meet you. come find me. my name’s cali.. hi.


ORIGINAL POST:
HERE’S TO THE CHOSEN ONE
FROM 2013